A Feast of Thrones

Three things I love:
1) food
2) Game of Thrones
3) reading fan theories & spoilers

Ever since the show surpassed the books, I feel very vulnerable watching Game of Thrones. I'm sure a lot of book readers feel the same.

In an effort to distract myself from searching out spoilers for tonight's GOT season finale, I spent the last couple days thinking about and planning themed snacks to accompany the viewing. I've found that the Internet may be dark and full of spoilers, but Pinterest is full of tasty puns.

So here is my Game of Snacks!
(Gluten free modified, because, life is a cooking challenge with an allergic spouse.)

First, drinks! For my Wight Walker cocktails I made piña coladas and floated a spoon full of blue curaçao on top for an icy blue hue. A White Russian, or a white chocolate martini, would be delicious as well.

(Theon's) Sausage Rolls

I used the puff pastry recipe from Gluten Free on a Shoestring. This recipe is The Tits. GF pie crust can be a total kitchen nightmare for me, but this recipe just always works. It's a bit time consuming but so worth it. I use it for pies, turnovers, and anything that needs a pastry crust.)

Filling:
16 oz Italian sausage
1/2 cup gluten free bread crumbs
2-3 garlic cloves minced
1/4 cup parsley
2 eggs
Minced onion (optional, I skipped because I forgot)
Dijon mustard (to be brushed on pastry before spooning sausage filling on)

Roll, pinch, chill, slice, brush with egg wash, and finally, bake @ 425F for 20 min till golden brown

Chicken (Little)fingers

I made my own and used a mix of gluten free bread crumbs & crushed up pork rinds as the panko crumbs. NOM!

Weirwood veggie platter

Roasted cauliflower steaks for weirwood trees. Thanks, Pinterest!

Dragon devilled eggs

Pinterest WINS again. Except, you should wear gloves while peeling these. Because I didn't..

Old(town) cheddar

Green onion (knight) cakes

– 2 cups of flour (I used Bob's Redmill 1:1 GF blend that already contains xanthan gum)
– 1 tbsp of baking powder
– 1 tsp of salt
– 1/2 tbsp sesame oil
– 1-2 bunches of green onions chopped & mulched in food processor with a little water to make a slurry
– warm water as needed to pull dough together 
– more flour to dust dough as it's rolled out to a quarter inch and cut into what ever shapes you like
– oil to grease pan as you fry cakes like pancakes ( I use coconut oil) Gluten free flour!

Something Something Something with Many Faces.

This one stumped me. Cookies decorated with icing faces were the obvious answer here. But GF baking is the worst and after the tedious task of fussing with GF pastry for the sausage rolls, I just didn't care to fuss with more baked goods.

So drawing a face into the hummus was CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME!

And there you have it, A Feast for Thrones (watching)

NOW. HOW BOUT THAT FINALE?!

make baba proud.

While I was visiting my mom in Arizona earlier this month I asked her about how to make dill pickles, because store bought pickles are gross. Why are store bought pickles either sweet, sour, and/or soggy, but NEVER CRISPY DILL? According to the google search that my mom did, pickling cucumbers won’t be in season in California till May or something, so I have some time to figure out the gear and supplies needed for canning.

But in that same convo, mom told me how easy it is to make sauerkraut. So I thought I would give it a try. In typical mom sharing of information, she didn’t give me any really solid instructions, so I had to make up my own.

How To Make Sauerkraut:

1. buy shredded cabbage, or if you’re ambitious, shred your own damn cabbage

2. buy actual pickling salt

3. put cabbage in glass bowl and add pickling salt to taste

4. panic when you accidentally put too much salt in because the picking salt runs quickly from the gapping hole you punched in it

5. try rinsing out some salt out of the cabbage with cold water

6. buy more shredded cabbage to even out the salt to cabbage ratio

7. cover bowl, leave on counter, and try not to side eye it too much

8. side eye the bowl more and more every day

9. realize that your side eyeing has gotten so intense that you’ve basically turned your back completely and you’ve forgotten all about that mystery bowl on your counter

10. two weeks later walk into your apartment and exclaim “what the fuck died in here??”

11. after frantically cleaning your apartment searching for the source of the odour, realize that the stench is coming from the mystery bowl, which means that it’s READY

12. uncover bowl and scoop off and dispose of any scum that’s formed on top, gird your loins, and give it a taste test

13. be surprised that it’s still pretty fucking salty, but dang it tastes like sauerkraut

14. spend the rest of the evening being hyper suspicious of every twing or grumble that comes from your gut and asshole

15. wake up the next day realizing that nothing terrible happened and since you did not give yourself food poisoning, CONGRATS, YOU MADE SAUERKRAUT.

 

the sixth element is cake.

I received a bunch of good health news this week. I have a sizable nodule on my neck that I had biopsied last week, and got the news today that it’s benign. And it’s not causing problems, other than being a lazy lump, so it gets to chill for at least a year till I get an other ultrasound next April. I guess that means we get to hangout together for a while. Just the two of us, I’m never alone.

I should make a scrapbook for the upcoming year. Or a webcomic. My nodule and me, oh the adventures we will have, lumpy and meeeeeee!

la, la, lahhhh.

As good as that news is, I’m still a little bit concerned about my health. According to two months of data from my Fitbit activity band, my resting heart rate is falling. At first I thought it was a healthy thing, but it also seems like a countdown to DOOOOM sort of thing, too. In January my RHR was 67, and as of yesterday my RHR yesterday was 49. Doesn’t that seem low??

The husband says it’s because I’m getting fitter, but I disagree. Sure, I run a couple times a week, but I’m not very fast and I don’t fun far. Sure, I lift weights a couple more times a week, but I’m not really getting stronger. And sure, I did all those burpees back in February for the Spartan race, but I have only burpeed three times since then and one of them was actually just a really gassy day.

So, no, I’m not getting healthier or fitter. I bought that stupid $6 monokini that Buzzfeed said looked good on everyone but I can’t even get it on. And the parts of me that I can shoehorn into it look like the fallout of an explosion at the Play-Doh Fun Factory.

I’d show you what it looks like but I can’t get the bottoms past my hips. And the headband they proclaim to be a “top” has no hope in hell of covering my nips. I ordered a XL but since the item was made in China (you’d have never guessed by that price tag, amirite??), that’s more like a US medium. A proper medium, not an Old Navy glamour medium.

I couldn’t even wear that suit if I had my body from my 30th birthday, Project Bikini, when I was 20lbs lighter than I am now. I’m pretty sure the only way I’d get that suit on my body is if I dropped 40 pounds, which would cost me a fair bit of muscle. And I quite enjoy my 300+ pound deadlifts and 200+ pound squats, so I don’t think I’m willing to part with too much muscle.

Even if I could break my addiction to snacks, and lost the weight, I would probably have to be okay with having having a third of my boobs inside the top, a third above the top, and a third hanging out underneath the top. And I’m never going to be able to pull that look off.

You’re only allowed to have one type of cleavage at the beach, not three.

SO, THOU SHALL NOT MULTI-PASS, BUZZFEED.

Thanks a lot, Amazon One Click Prime Shopping, you’ve claimed another $6 victim.

To die or dye for gluten free perogies.

So you didn’t get me an Easter gift.  That’s okay, I know we’re not that tight. But I still got you one anyways.

Here is my Easter gift to you:

Dyeing is what you do to colour Easter eggs. And dying is what I’m going to be doing later when I eat my body weight in homemade gluten free perogies.

Fine, grammar lessons are lame and only appreciated by assholes like me. So I guess I’ll share the gluten free recipe for perogies my mom and I made up a few years ago. Perogies are really easy to make in the first place, so making them gluten free is just a matter of super simple substitution.

Which means that ingredient number one is, alliteration.

LOL, I’m not making this any less lame, am I?

Gluten Free Perogie Dough Ingredients:

• 4 generous cups of GF flour (I used Mama’s Almond flour) + 2 tsp of xanthan gum (because the kind of GF flour I used didn’t have a binding gum blended in)
• 4 eggs
• 4 tbsp oil
• Salt
• 1.5 cups warm water

Combine dry ingredients, mix oil, mix in eggs, and then add warm water by small splashes until the dough pulls together and forms a ball. Then knead till smooth.

To form perogies:

Roll dough out, cut circles, repeat till dough is gone. Regular wheaty dough is super pliable and easy to stretch around the filling, but GF dough is definitely not so friendly or accommodating. So when filling dough circles I flattened the circles between my palms and gently closed them around the filling.

Seal each perogy with pinches and lay them out in neat little rows on a table cloth, or tea towels if you aren’t sophisticated enough to own a table cloth, like me.

Filling: You can pretty much fill them with whatever you like.

For a potato & cheddar, I ran a whole yellow onion through my food processor, fried the onion bits in butter, set some onion aside to mix with butter later, then mashed in three boiled russet potatoes (salt to taste if you like). And finally, added shredded old cheddar till it tasted the way I liked. Easy peasy.

Cottage cheese & dill is also a hecka delicious filling. It’s virtually impossible to find dry cottage cheese in the US, so I just buy a large container of regular cottage cheese (the full fat kind, because who are we kidding here?) and wringing it out with cheese cloth.  Add three egg yolks, and as much fresh dill as you like (I add lots).

Sauerkraut is another favourite filling that’s super easy to make. Save some of those fried onions and fry them up with sauerkraut to get rid of some moisture.

To cook: bring a pot of water (with a splash of oil & salt) to a full boil and add perogies a few at a time. When they float for a few minutes, they’re cooked. Lift out with a slotted spoon and toss lightly in a buttered casserole. Repeat until all are cooked.

The final step is to eat perogies until you feel like you’re literally dying.

Tah-dah, Happy Easter! Enjoy your carb coma and sweatpants!

A picture is worth a thousand noms.

Three weeks have flown by like nothing. Don’t say I didn’t warn you that my attachment to this place would wane.  Sometimes I feel like I have commitment issues so deep seeded that they’re one of the very few things in my life that I’ve actually committed to whole heartedly.

That and fear of failure.  We tight.

Oh, yes, you too, husband.  We also committed and tight.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing, I just haven’t been finishing anything and my draft folder is at an impressive high.  What can I say.. ideas inside my head are so much funnier than outside my head. The old adage “better out than in” only applies to toots, burps, and unwelcome house guests, not half baked jokes. Though, I’m not entirely sure why I bothered to let that one out.

Is anyone else obsessed with their cell phone?  I feel like I’m pretty average with my cell phone usage.  I mean, I can put it down and walk away, no problem.  But I also have an ipad and a laptop, so it’s not like I’m ever without my introvert life line – the internets.  What did introverts do before the internet?

Cellphones are both the devil and LIFE at the same time, the classic paradox.  And I don’t know about you but I like my paradoxes to come with a bitchin’ camera that fits in a decent sized pocket, or handbag. 

Am I using the word ‘paradox’ correctly?  Google will tell me later, I’ll look it up on my phone later while I’m lying in bed. Anyways.. I recently got a new camera, I mean iPhone 6s.  It’s pretty nifty, and so is its 12 megapixel camera.  How does that compare to other phones?  I have no idea, but I still find it very megapix-citing because I am a slut for taking photos.

Confession: I take selfies. I take selfies when I like what I’m wearing, or if I like how my face looks that particular day. I especially take selfies after a great hair cut. That shit needs to be remembered, because not all pixies are pixied the same. I also take pictures of food and drinks that I’ve made myself or if I’m out and about nomming the good noms. I take pictures of landscapes, buildings, and interesting streets when I’m traveling, or even when I’m at home. I take pictures of things with interesting light. I take videos of myself benching, squatting, and deadlifting very heavy things, because I like to see how my form is coming along. I take pictures of pottery that I’ve made because I always end up giving it way or breaking it and it’s nice to remember.

Life is fun, it’s nice to remember.

The problem with taking a lot of photos, is you need a lot of storage, and there is nothing sadder than having to delete photos.  I make sure I have them all backed up my laptop before deleting, of course, but I also like to have some favourites on hand.  Basically, I tend to think of my phone as a camera and digital scrapbook more than an actual phone – although being able to text and share photos from it at the same time is pretty cool.m

But I won’t have the deleting problem anymore because I now have SIXTY FOUR GIGS OF MEMORY. THAT IS A LOT OF ROOM FOR PHOTO ACTIVITIES.  I still haven’t figured out what we’re supposed to be doing with the ‘live photos’, but.. Long gone are my days of rudely bumping my photo boner against the cervix of storage! 

^That joke was the entire point of this blog entry, so I guess I’ll see myself out now.

 

 

 

Come with me if you want to love…

This is your friendly reminder that love is love.. Even between two tiny machines sent back through time to kill you and all hope for the survival of humanity! 

Technology is the best. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

❤️😘 

Barfees.

You know what they say.. You can’t out burpee a bad diet.  But if you burpee enough, you might vomit, and that’s one way to burn off that extra pizza you ate.

My #burpeeseveryday challenge is still going.  I can’t remember where I last left off, but I’m now up to 200 burpees a day.  TWO HUNDRED A DAY.  And I still hate every one of them.

What is going on with my life that I’m doing this to myself??  My knees sound like wet styrofoam popcorn in the dryer, and my traps are so swole I worry that people are going to call me trapasaurs-rex behind my back.

Actually, that’s a pretty cool nickname.  I couldn’t be mad about that one.

I made the jump to 200 because my mom was up to 150 burpees, IN A ROW.  Who does 150 burpees in a row??

I told my husband and he said, “Your mom is a robot sent back in time to make us all feel inadequate.”

TRUTH.

An action shot of my mother. 

Hell no, I don’t do burpees in a row!  I only do sets of 30 because I’m not crazy, I’m just doing the bare minimum to survive this stupid Spartan race.  Because 30 is what you have to do in a Spartan race if you can’t do an obstacle.  And I know there are at least four things I can’t do in a Spartan race.  I can’t climb a rope. I can’t do a pull up. I can’t do the monkey bars. I can’t throw a spear.

It’s fine.  Totally fine.  Just 19 more days of burpees.

 

sobs forever

 

 

 

Burger you.

When I was a kid, for my sixth or seventh birthday my mom jokingly presented me with a giant green zucchini with a candle in it as my “cake”.  I honestly don’t remember my reaction, but I suspect I probably cried and sopped up my tears with my mullet, because this b has always loved cake.  Don’t be messin’ with my cake, MOM.

28 years later, I guess the difference between childhood and adulthood is that you appreciate vegetables? Or is it that you can buy your own cake?

Anyways, this is my current favourite way to eat zucchini.  And by “eat”, I mean, use as filler. I hate to point out the obvious for myself, but, zucchini, much like this post, is a volume filler.

Zucchini Parmesan Turkey Burgers.

I came up with this one through some trial and error and I think they’re pretty great. They’re tasty, low cal, low carb, and high protein.

1 (1.25lb) tray of 93% lean ground turkey
1 medium (or 2 very small) zucchini grated and wrung out of as much moisture as you can
3 tbsp bread crumbs (I just crush up Glutino gluten free crackers because they’re easier)
2-3 tbsp of grated parm (more or less to taste)
Chopped parsley (to taste, I like to use a couple tablespoons)
Spices – I like salt, pepper, chilli pepper, coriander, garlic, and sometimes, but rarely, cumin

If I have it, I sometimes add left over roasted broccoli (like 1/3 to 1/2 a cup) for extra filler. I’ve also thawed (or unthawed?) frozen broccoli and chopped that up as small as I can. Which ever, or neither. They’re your turkey burgers, do whatever you want.

This makes six burgers, and I use a digital food scale to make sure I divide them up evenly. I also recommend using a food scale to measure the ingredients if you’re a person that tracks macros. Using a scale will help to make calculating your macros for the recipe more precise.  I just did that once or twice and now I just put the recipe together by eyeballing.

I usually come up with each patty at:  ~150 calories, 20g protein, 3g carbs, 7g fat

I used to cook them in a lightly oiled pan on the stove top because I don’t have a BBQ, so I can’t tell you how they’ll grill. But since my mom figured out how to order stuff from Amazon and have it shipped directly to me, I now have an indoor electric grill for stove top grillin’, which is The. Best.

Once they’re cooked you can do whatever you want to them.  Put cheese on them, or don’t.  Put them on a bun, or don’t.  Cover them with fried onions and mushrooms, or don’t.  We eat them with a salad, sometimes with roasted veggies on the side, and sometimes, (ok tbh, most of the time), baked frozen french fries.  We don’t put our burgers on buns because my husband is gluten free and gluten free bread is an abomination.  But also, the less bun means the more fries.  And fries > buns everyday.

Except on squat day, then big buns rule all.

A thing I never thought I would say…

I’m going to an ‘Egyptian, thematic death metal’ show tonight with my formerly – or still? – metal head husband.  Don’t know what that means?  Don’t worry, I have no fucking clue either.

I’m assuming a lot of this happens:

*Not my favourite kind of banging, tbh.*

Calling all metal heads.. what do I wear to a show?  I’m guessing black, black, and more black?  I just bought a pair of black skinny jeans the other week, so I guess those are in the To Wear pile.

My husband turned 37 today, so I suppose agreeing to see ‘Nile’ in concert in San Francisco is my gift to him? Apparently in his youth, he was a long, curly haired, redhead that wore black mesh t-shirts and painted his nails black.  I have never, ever, had the pleasure of seeing a photo of that guy, so I have a lot of trouble believing he really existed.  He’s hidden the photographic proof so well that I’m starting to think that if I ever do see them it’ll be like when they opened the Arc in Raiders of The Lost Arc.

*But with LOL’s instead.*

Actually, on second thought, I think my real gift will be trying not to make fun of him for no longer having any hair to headbang with. I did offer to paint his nails for him – I don’t own any black polish, but I do have a very dark purple, and who would ever be able to tell the difference in the dark?? He declined, of course.

We’ve been together for six years and this is the first time he’s gotten me to attend a metal show with him.  I don’t even think he’s gone to see a show in the entire time I’ve known him!  Or maybe he has and I just didn’t retain the information because death metal, and all conversations involving death metal, just sound like violent white noise to me?

One time on a road trip to Yosemite I was subjected to three hours (BOTH WAYS) of my husband’s attempts to teach me the subtle differences between black metal, grind core, doom metal, death metal, and so on.  I didn’t retain any information and I still can’t tell the difference between screechy and scratchy. Nor between demonic and satanic. So tonight should be.. fun?

Long story short, I’m wearing all black and bringing earplugs, ibuprofen, and extra cash for drinks, because this is what I’m doing with my life now.  Anyways, I’m off to search tumblr for emo tips on black eyeliner.

Happy Monday, mofo’s.

 

When will it be Ken’s turn?

You know, I can’t say that I ever really had a problem with Barbie when I was a kid. Not with her body, and not with her hair that looked nothing like mine.  We just didn’t have anything in common, Barbie was just.. Barbie. Blonde, leggy, and independent af with her sweet bachelorette condo.  And then my older brother cut off her hair, and then she had a mullet just like me.

It was the 80’s, guys, Corvette Crash Helmets were cool back then.

Maybe I’m just talking from a place of white privilege, but I just thought it was cool that Barbie could be anything she wanted to be.  A doctor, a lawyer, a tennis instructor, a veterinarian, a roller girl, a nurse, a camp counselor, etc.  The original B had options!  She also had her own cars, houses, apartments, spas, and all sorts of accessories.  She was a strong independent woman that don’t need no man!

Oh, wait she still had Ken.  Fucking Ken.

Three Things About Barbie’s New Bod(ies).

One:  I’m no expert here, but I feel like the new Barbie bodies need a little more racial diversity.  Don’t you think??

This is a pretty white washed crowd, isn’t it?

Also, where is the pixie cut, tomboy Barbie?  And, this might be a conversation for another day.. I’m not sure Mattel is ready for sexually diverse Barbie.

ANYWAYS.

Two:  Should someone should ask The Human Barbie what she thinks about the Barbie figure — that she worked hard (ie. spent a lotta dollas) to mold herself after — now being more attainable and realistic? 

 

And three, when is Ken, Barbie’s ultimate accessory, getting a body makeover?  Because if Barbie needs a realistic body type, doesn’t Ken, too??!

No one asked me, but here are my proposals for new Ken body molds:

Dad Bod Ken
Ken that has a gym membership, works out on the rare occasion, but also eats pizza and drinks beer on the weekends.  The ultimate D.T.C., Down To Chill, Ken.

Dad Bod Ken XXL
Doesn’t have a gym membership, doesn’t workout, eats pizza and drinks beer on weekends and during the week.

Petite Ken
You decide if he comes with or without a Napoleon complex, and if he lies about his height on Tindr.

Swole Ken
The ultimate Ken.  The Ronnie Coleman of Kens.  He just wants to lift some “heavy ass weight!”

And then if you want to dive off the deep end, how about…

Skips Leg Day Ken
Buff Ken up top, riding a chicken down below.

Why Is He Wearing A Sweater To The Beach, Oh, No, That’s Just Body Hair, Ken
Comes with an extra comb, and a spritz bottle of hair detangler for body hair mats.

Shy About His Gynecomastia Ken
Beach trunks come with a shirt to wear at the pool or beach for this self conscious Ken.

Super Slim Ken
Struggles with gaining weight and is self conscious about societal pressures of being manly enough.

Thick Thighs Save Lives Ken
Men can have butts for Nicki Minaj to rap about too.  This Ken comes with his own line of wide legged pants.

Balding Ken
Comb over optional.  It’s recommended that your Ken owns the thinning hairline and goes for a buzz cut.  Be confident, Balding Ken.

Can’t Grow Facial Hair Ken
Wants to be a hipster lumber sexual, but just can’t fill in.

Computer Engineer Ken
Techy, gamer Ken comes with his own collection of sarcastic and nerdy t-shirt collection, all in black. He’s thin, yet pudgy and not muscular.  Lacks fashion sense, but he doesn’t give a fuck, because there is no dress code for Free Comic day at the local Comic Book Store.

Adult Acne Ken
Comes with Barbie saying, “Shouldn’t you have grown out of this by now?

 

And, finally, fourthly:  there is no fourth.  What are some Ken body types you’d want to see?  Or do you even care?